Growing Apart: Keep It From Happening to You

I told you that marriages either grow or weaken. If you put no effort into your marriage, you’re not maintaining it: you’re letting it deteriorate.
Similarly, all the time you’re either growing apart or growing together. If you are not communicating, not touching, and not spending time together, then you are growing apart.
It’s amazing how few people really know their spouse. Do you know who your spouse’s biggest role model is? Do you know the one book or CD your partner would want to have if he or she were stranded on a deserted island? Do you know what his or her favorite color is? Do you know exactly what your spouse does at work?
Getting to know someone truly, inside and out, takes effort. Most of us prefer learning more about our own preferences, opinions, and ideas than those of our spouse. Yet a strong marriage is one where both individuals make an effort to find out what is going on inside their spouse’s head. They appreciate, understand, and respect that information.
Growing together means sharing together. It doesn’t mean thinking alike, or avoiding conflicts, or not having disagreements. It doesn’t mean that neither of you ever changes. Growth, by definition, is change. A healthy marriage is one in which both people mature and change their ideas, perspectives, and plans. The trick is to share those changes openly and honestly with your spouse as they occur.
When you grow together, you share what you’re thinking, feeling, and hoping for. You don’t remain the same person that your spouse met. Instead, you find new hobbies, new passions, and new jobs that keep your life exciting and always surprising. Even when your new direction seems to lead in an opposite direction from your spouse, it is usually just old perceptions that makes it seem that way. Spouses can be resistant to changes in their partner, because they see it as a sign that their partner is dissatisfied with things as they are. Reassure your spouse. Whatever new direction you take, you need to involve your spouse fully and ensure that nothing will cut into your couple time. Changes are frightening, but when there is communication, honesty, and willingness to compromise at every step of the way, change can be an enormously positive thing.
Let’s look at the example of Joan and Michael.

For the first five years of their marriage, Joan stayed at home while Michael worked. She found herself gaining weight, getting bored, and listening enviously to her single girlfriends about their adventurous jobs and

experiences. At first, she blamed it on her marriage. Then, a frank friend reminded her that her marriage vows didn’t include a promise to do the same thing ‘til death do you part. That night, she told Michael that she wanted to go back to work and try a three-month subscription to a gym. He was horrified. He thought it meant that she wasn’t happy with how he provided for the family, and that the only reason she could possibly want to go to the gym was to look good for another man. They had a huge argument, and Michael forbade Joan to go job-hunting. The stress in their marriage was at a breaking point.
It took the intervention of their pastor before Joan and Michael could sit down and discuss their feelings without getting upset. Joan told Michael that she needed to keep growing and trying more out of life, but that she wanted to do it with him, not without him. Michael confessed that he worried that Joan would meet someone new if she started working outside the home. Their pastor encouraged both of them to continue talking openly and honestly and involve each other as their life changed. As a result, Michael decided to join the gym along with Joan. Joan’s new job gave both of them much more to talk about in the evenings, and their communication improved. Too, the extra income gave them more money to go out and do activities that they enjoyed. Ultimately, the change that Michael feared actually strengthened their marriage.
Michael and Joan learned some valuable lessons. (1) When one partner suggests a change, the other partner often feels indirectly criticized, thinking that the other person means that status quo is not be good enough. Reassuring your partner is essential during this tough time. (2) Sometimes it takes professional help (such as a pastor or marriage counselor) to get you talking about how you really feel. (3) Any change that can be undertaken mutually (such as both Michael and Joan joining the gym) is better than a change that can only be undertaken individually

4 Steps to stay married

4 Steps To Stop Your Divorce And Save Your Marriage

The break up of marriage is one of the worst things that can
happen to a person, and it is all too common. More than half of
all marriages today will end in divorce. When you consider that
divorce is commonly regarded as one of the most stressful events
that can happen in a person's life, even beyond the death of a
dead one, and it creates a lot of heartache.

The thing you need to know is that it is not too late to stop
your divorce.

The tragedy is that most of these breakups could have been
prevented. You do not have to be one of those statistics. You
can do something about it; you can stop your divorce. Maybe it
is not going to be easy, but it is possible. You just have to
follow the steps to rebuild what has been broken.

You can't expect to stop your divorce without a plan anymore
than you can expect to build a house without blueprints.
Fortunately, the help is available and it behooves you to take
advantage of it. Your marriage does not have to fail. You can do
something.

Step One: Identify the Problem

You can't stop your divorce if you don't know why your marriage
is falling apart. You need to diagnose what is wrong with the
marriage, even if it means sitting down with your spouse to find
out what the problem in your marriage really is. The reason most
marriage problems don't get solved is that they are never
identified

Step Two: Fix the Problem

Once you have pin-pointed the problem---sole it! In many ways,
this is the most important step. If you can't fix the problem,
then you can't stop your divorce. Most problems can be fixed.
What you need to do know is work with your spouse to make the
compromises that will save your marriage.

Step Three: Remember the Good Times

You're going to need to remind both your spouse and yourself
what brought and kept you together to begin with. No matter how
bad your marriage has gotten, there was a point when things were
good. You should try to relive that and always keep in mind that
it did exist.

Step Four: Start Over

The last step in your quest to stop your divorce is to begin all
over again. You need to look at your marriage as a brand new
marriage. While you should keep the good times in mind, you need
to forget the bad times and learn about your spouse all over
again. Things have changed, and you need to accept that. Make
your marriage work with the person you are married to, not the
person you used to be married to or the person you wish they
were. Accept them as they are, and work together to build a
better, stronger marriage.

If you follow these four steps, you will be able to stop your
divorce. If you need more help, then don't be afraid to look for
it. There are systems out there to help fix what is broken in
your relationship, and you need to be willing to use them.

What You Should Do if You Suspect an Affair

"When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. This may seem like the most logical thing to do, but you have to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and strategically. If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get?

If you don't have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can't prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial. From a strategic point of view, you will have jeopardized your chances of catching your partner in the act because you will have alerted them to your suspicion. In future they will be more careful
to hide their tracks, making it harder for you to find proof. If you claim ignorance, and don't confront your partner, they will have no reason to think you suspect anything. In fact, they may become reckless and become complacent when it comes to hiding evidence of their affair.

From a strategic point of view, acting as though you are ignorant is the best tactic to use. If people don't think you are listening, it is surprising what they may say. They may unconsciously let little things slip....

The longer you are able to maintain the illusion of ignorance the more proof you will be able to gather. Remember, without concrete proof, you should never accuse your partner. Not only is there the likelihood they will deny it and make it harder for you to prove their guilt, but there is also the possibility, however unlikely, of you being wrong."
Sarah Paul, How to Catch a Cheating Spouse

Extramarital affairs:prevention

The roots of affairs are difficult to pin down and are usually many, not one. Even if you are in a happy, stable marriage, you or your partner could find yourself tempted to have an affair simply for the excitement, novelty, and break from routine.

A variety of motives, both internal and social, spur people to have affairs. The most fertile ground for affairs occurs when there is a potential lover who is available and willing, when conditions make the practical side of giving into the temptation easy, and there is little to no expectation of a powerful social or moral condemnation for having the affair.

Here are some of the most common social and marital conditions that pave the way for affairs.

- Increased social contact with members of the opposite sex, especially in the workplace.

Temptation is everywhere, but as men and women spend more time with each other away from their partners, giving into that temptation becomes easier and easier. When a man or a woman spends a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex--whether friend, co-worker, or teammate--they develop a platonic friendship that can become much, much more. Familiarity, emotional intimacy, and common professional or sporting goals create a powerful bond that may feel more compelling than the marital relationship. Computers and cell
phones make keeping in touch with a lover simple.

Can men and women ever "just be friends"? In 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry's answer was emphatically no. Harry tells Sally, "...Men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets
in the way.... No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

If your spouse is defensive or secretive about his or her friendship with a member of the opposite sex, you need to have an open and honest talk about the limits on your relationships with members of the opposite sex. It's not okay for your husband's best friend to be another woman. It's not okay for your wife's number
one confidant to be another man. In a strong marriage, both partners look first to one another to get their emotional needs met. This brings us to the next point...

- Not meeting one another's emotional needs.

This is this single greatest cause of affairs. When relationships are struggling, both men and women look elsewhere to get their emotional needs met and easily find themselves in the arms of someone "who appreciates them."

If you and your partner take each other for granted and treat one another like housemates instead of lovers, the stage is set for one of you to have an affair. Women, feeling unappreciated by their husbands, find solace with someone who does listen to them. Unfortunately, an emotional affair can be just as devastating to a
marriage as a physical affair. Men, feeling as if they're always being criticized and cannot please their wives if they try, enjoy the emotional reinforcement of someone who thinks that they're wonderful and can do no wrong.

Affairs often occur when one or both partners are under stress. Maybe you've just taken a new job; maybe your partner is struggling with the demands of a new child or ailing parent. If one of you cannot meet your partner's emotional needs for any length of time, your partner's chances of having an affair skyrocket.

Avoid this situation through open, honest communication. Notice when your partner is feeling down and don't rest until you've understood the source of your partner's emotions. If you feel that your partner isn't there for you when you need him or her, talk about it. Open the conversation with a description of the things that your partner does for you that you appreciate, then explain what your emotional needs are and exactly what your partner can do to meet them. Next, turn the tables and ask your partner to share the same with you. Unless you know what your partner's emotional needs are, you cannot hope to fulfill them by guesswork.

- Commuter jobs, or where one partner is away for long periods of time.

We all know the stories of musicians, actors, or athletes who spend long months on tour and return home to a wrecked marriage. Cheating is easy when partners spend long periods of time away from one another. Even if your partner calls you every night, you have no idea what they're doing in the time away from you. It is easy
for your partner to disassociate what they do in their time on their own from what they do with you. They may feel as if they live in two separate worlds that need never meet.

If you and your spouse spend long periods of time away from one another, you need to develop a plan of action to maintain your bond and sense of intimacy even during those times when you're away.
Increase your accountability to one another. Your partner should have a cell phone that you can call anytime, and you should always know where your partner is staying. The best solution in cases like these is to minimize the amount of time you're away from one another, even if it requires changing jobs or relocating.

- Overly scheduled lives with little leisure time spent together.

When partners don't have time to relax together, their marriage becomes all work and no play. If both of you have overly scheduled lives, crammed to the full with taking your kids to school and after-school activities, meetings, overtime, fixing up your house, and social engagements on the weekends, your marriage will
suffocate from lack of attention. Just because you live together and wear a ring doesn't mean that your marriage is invulnerable. A marriage thrives when there is space for both partners to spend quality, unstructured time together, doing nothing but enjoying one another's company.

If your partner always spends his or her leisure time with others (at the bar, with a hobby that excludes you, with members of a social or sporting club) rather than you, the stage is set for infidelity. Your partner should have the time and space to do activities that he or she personally enjoys, but at least half (preferably more) of your partner's leisure time should be spent with you.

- Increased public acceptance of affairs.

Public acceptance of affairs has transformed dramatically over the past few decades. There continues to be strong social and moral condemnation of infidelity, but the consequences of having an affair are not as great as in the past. Nowadays, an affair isn't shadowed by the threat of pregnancy, the brand of social stigma, or
losing one's job as a result. Cheating spouses are comforted by the ease of divorce that would allow them to leave their spouse for their lover. As culture removes more and more of the consequences of infidelity, more spouses will cheat. It's as simple as that.

- Increased importance placed culturally on having a great body and superb sex life.

Men and women both have high expectations of marriage--that their partner will be their soul mate, that love will be effortless, that their sex life will be dynamic and exciting. When these expectations are not fulfilled, men and women often look to someone else for fulfillment rather than examining their own expectations.

More and more women are having Desperate Housewives-style affairs with hunky young men, risking marriages with men who socially would be considered real catches: impressive jobs, wealthy, mature and
responsible. Why would these women risk the security and comfort of their marriages for 20-somethings with great bodies but not much else?

Modern Western culture places a high premium on an exciting, fulfilling sex life. When everyone else is doing it--in the movies, on the billboards, and in the media--we think we need to be doing it, too. Yet a poll by Self magazine discovered that 58% of women polled were disinterested in sex, of which nearly a fifth were
completely dissatisfied, preferring to watch television. Why were these women unhappy with their sex lives? Was it their partner, their attitude, or their expectations?

Although research proves that married men and women have better (e.g., more fulfilling and more frequent) sex lives than singles or couples living together, popular opinion believes the opposite. Many people believe that once you marry, sex becomes dull and boring. What better to liven it up than the allure of an illicit rendezvous?

In fact, sex can actually improve in a marriage as a result of affair. The cheating partner feels guilty and doesn't want the spouse to suspect anything, so he or she puts more effort into their sex life. Cheating can also increase a cheating spouse's sex drive, because when you're having more sex, you want more sex.

Unfortunately, many couples don't put the effort into their sex life until it's too late. If you and your partner are distant, kiss infrequently, and seem to have lost any sense of intimacy, one of you may seek physical comfort elsewhere. Decrease the chances of this happening by making an effort to be physically intimate with your spouse on a regular basis. Kiss and cuddle often. Touch one another randomly, whether by touching your partner's waist or arm. Invest in your appearance and don't use your marriage as an excuse to let yourself go. Keep yourself fit. Avoid wearing worn-out, ill-fitting, or unattractive clothing around the house--and especially to bed. Liven up your sex life by regularly trying new things; if you can't think of any, purchase an erotic
book or visit an adult shop. The investment you put into physical intimacy will pay off by making the hours you do spend together--sleeping side by side--into ones to cherish.