" I want to save my marriage from divorce" is exactly what people who are wanting to save their marriage life are saying to themselves. If you are one of these people, I assure you this article will help you save your marriage from divorce in no time.
There are some basic truths you need to know about saving your marriage before it ends up in the divorce court. The number of marriage that ends up in divorce today is on the increase everyday and there are some basic truths you need to know if you don't want yours to end up the same way as others.
Saving your marriage from divorce will not be done by anyone else but you, you are the only one that knows your spouse and as such you are the only one that is in the best position to save your marriage from divorce. No matter how much you see a marriage councilor, saving your marriage can only be done by you and you alone because no one will do it for you.
The purpose of this article is to show you the basic truth that you need to know about how you can successfully save your marriage.
If communication is missing in your marriage, then you are sitting on a time bomb that is about to explode. You can be very busy that you don't have the time to listen to your spouse or to even be there for your kids when they need you the most. No one is saying making money is not important but when making money takes the place of your spouse and your kids then be ready for your spouse to serve you a divorce letter or to cheat on your any time soon.
If you find yourself in this situation, then you need to do everything you need to do to create an atmosphere where you can increase the communication rate between you and your spouse. Take time out every day to speak with your spouse, nothing can take the place of communication if you need to save your marriage. It is very possible that you are not meeting your spouse needs sexually.
This may sound insignificant but if you are not meeting the needs of your spouse sexually, then your marriage will be hitting the rocks soon. At this point you need to let your spouse know that you are working very hard to improve your sexual drive and that pleasing him or her is your utmost desires.
Helping your spouse financially is another important aspect that you need to continuously work towards and before long you will be able to save your marriage without stress. As long as you are willing to make your marriage work, there is nothing that can work against you.
These tips are just some not all of the ways by which you can save your marriage. There are several plans that is guaranteed to work that can help you Stop Your Divorce in no time. Take one minute to read the next page and you will find out how you can save your marriage from a divorce today. Click Here! for more details.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Saving your marriage through counseling By Andrew Rusbatch
Marriage problems often start small. Maybe with a lack of communication, or a lack of attention. But little problems build into larger problems over time. Often, by the time both parties realize that the problems between them have gotten out of control, the bad times outnumber the good, and almost every day brings an
argument and feelings of sadness and resentment.
The fact is, most couples are too slow to recognize the need they have for marriage counseling, and by the time it's obvious, it's also too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, but it can make marriages healthier than they have ever been and couples can be happier. But many
couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it's like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.
But marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It's an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.
But wait...why did you let it get to the brink of disaster to begin with? The best time for counseling isn't when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time for counseling is at the first sign of serious trouble, when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break
down.
This may be difficult, as convincing your partner that you require counseling when there really aren't so many terrible problems might take some work. But it will pay off eventually, as it really takes both sides of a marriage to be committed to success. Individual counseling may help to resolve some of the issues, but the core
problems and lack of communication will persist so long as one of you resists help.
In fact, one of the times when marriage counseling genuinely cannot help is when one of the partners has already become detached from the relationship or bought into the idea of divorce as the only escape from an untenable situation.
If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area. Actually, it's likely that someone you know has seen a marriage counselor try to find someone to refer you to a trustworthy therapist. In any case, it is
desperately important that you start early, and give the process time to work. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners and a desire to pull back from the edge of divorce
argument and feelings of sadness and resentment.
The fact is, most couples are too slow to recognize the need they have for marriage counseling, and by the time it's obvious, it's also too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, but it can make marriages healthier than they have ever been and couples can be happier. But many
couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it's like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.
But marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It's an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.
But wait...why did you let it get to the brink of disaster to begin with? The best time for counseling isn't when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time for counseling is at the first sign of serious trouble, when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break
down.
This may be difficult, as convincing your partner that you require counseling when there really aren't so many terrible problems might take some work. But it will pay off eventually, as it really takes both sides of a marriage to be committed to success. Individual counseling may help to resolve some of the issues, but the core
problems and lack of communication will persist so long as one of you resists help.
In fact, one of the times when marriage counseling genuinely cannot help is when one of the partners has already become detached from the relationship or bought into the idea of divorce as the only escape from an untenable situation.
If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area. Actually, it's likely that someone you know has seen a marriage counselor try to find someone to refer you to a trustworthy therapist. In any case, it is
desperately important that you start early, and give the process time to work. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners and a desire to pull back from the edge of divorce
I Wanted to Save My Marriage From Divorce - I Did It and You Can Too By Lucy Morgan-Rowe
We had been married for 12 years when I realized my marriage was in trouble and I needed to save my marriage from divorce. But I was so busy that I didn't notice that my husband had already emotionally divorced himself a couple of years before.
When we got married we both had great careers, made good money and were desperately in love. Life was very good.
Two years later we had our son and within the next three years we had a daughter and another son but I continued to work part time.
Slowly dinner dates gave way to play dates. When we went out it was to soccer practice or dance recitals.
We no longer made love, we had sex. The occasional morning quickie before the kids woke up.
Our only conversations revolved around the children, bills, broken appliances and so forth.
When our youngest began school, my part time job quickly extended to full time.
And when I got home, I'd quickly change into my sweats, make dinner, help the kids with their homework and try to keep the house from falling apart. After the kids were in bed, I'd conk out in front of the TV and my husband would be in another room.
When our tenth wedding anniversary was nearing, my husband came home with a huge grin and handed me two plane tickets to go to stay at our favorite hotel for a surprise weekend getaway. I looked at him as if he had two heads and went into a diatribe about how I couldn't get away because I had a work project due, what were we going to do with the children, why didn't he talk to me about it first and so forth. His face fell. He grabbed the tickets and told me not to worry about it. He would cancel everything.
That was apparently the last straw. He totally vacated the marriage emotionally.
One day, two years later, I had treated myself to a stylish haircut and a new outfit for work because I had just finished a major project and received a bonus. When I came home and showed him my clothes and haircut and told him about my bonus, he looked up from his keyboard and said, "Hmm, isn't it nice that you want to look good at work and that you can find the time to take on such a big project. But your priorities have been so screwed up for a while, I'm not really surprised." Then he went back to his computer.
I was devastated.
That's when I realized that I felt the same way he must have felt when he wanted to surprise me with our anniversary trip.
The next day at work I asked if I could telecommute instead of going to the office every day. Fortunately, my boss agreed.
That night, I sent the kids to stay with a neighbor. I set a beautiful table and cooked one of my husband's favorite dishes. I dressed in a pretty outfit, lit some candles, put on soft music and met my husband at the door with a glass of wine. I said, "Hi, I'm the girl you married and who loves you very much but who has been an idiot and who has ignored you for too long. But that's going to end now. So why don't you tell me about your day while I put dinner on the table."
He was totally stunned.
That night we had dinner and talked, really talked, about us, our marriage, our family and what we both could do to improve things. We actually wrote out a plan for how we were going to make things better.
The changes didn't happen overnight but they did happen. It took a while for him to believe that I was serious about saving our marriage from a divorce.
That was six years ago and today we act like newlyweds. We laugh, hold hands, go on date nights and don't take the rest of the world so seriously. We work together around the house and play together whenever we can. We're so happy and affectionate that even our kids tell us to "get a room." And when they do, we go to our bedroom and lock the door.
Lucy Morgan-Rowe is the main writer of savemy-marriage.com a marriage site that discusses ways on how to Save Marriages that are on the brink of divorce.
When we got married we both had great careers, made good money and were desperately in love. Life was very good.
Two years later we had our son and within the next three years we had a daughter and another son but I continued to work part time.
Slowly dinner dates gave way to play dates. When we went out it was to soccer practice or dance recitals.
We no longer made love, we had sex. The occasional morning quickie before the kids woke up.
Our only conversations revolved around the children, bills, broken appliances and so forth.
When our youngest began school, my part time job quickly extended to full time.
And when I got home, I'd quickly change into my sweats, make dinner, help the kids with their homework and try to keep the house from falling apart. After the kids were in bed, I'd conk out in front of the TV and my husband would be in another room.
When our tenth wedding anniversary was nearing, my husband came home with a huge grin and handed me two plane tickets to go to stay at our favorite hotel for a surprise weekend getaway. I looked at him as if he had two heads and went into a diatribe about how I couldn't get away because I had a work project due, what were we going to do with the children, why didn't he talk to me about it first and so forth. His face fell. He grabbed the tickets and told me not to worry about it. He would cancel everything.
That was apparently the last straw. He totally vacated the marriage emotionally.
One day, two years later, I had treated myself to a stylish haircut and a new outfit for work because I had just finished a major project and received a bonus. When I came home and showed him my clothes and haircut and told him about my bonus, he looked up from his keyboard and said, "Hmm, isn't it nice that you want to look good at work and that you can find the time to take on such a big project. But your priorities have been so screwed up for a while, I'm not really surprised." Then he went back to his computer.
I was devastated.
That's when I realized that I felt the same way he must have felt when he wanted to surprise me with our anniversary trip.
The next day at work I asked if I could telecommute instead of going to the office every day. Fortunately, my boss agreed.
That night, I sent the kids to stay with a neighbor. I set a beautiful table and cooked one of my husband's favorite dishes. I dressed in a pretty outfit, lit some candles, put on soft music and met my husband at the door with a glass of wine. I said, "Hi, I'm the girl you married and who loves you very much but who has been an idiot and who has ignored you for too long. But that's going to end now. So why don't you tell me about your day while I put dinner on the table."
He was totally stunned.
That night we had dinner and talked, really talked, about us, our marriage, our family and what we both could do to improve things. We actually wrote out a plan for how we were going to make things better.
The changes didn't happen overnight but they did happen. It took a while for him to believe that I was serious about saving our marriage from a divorce.
That was six years ago and today we act like newlyweds. We laugh, hold hands, go on date nights and don't take the rest of the world so seriously. We work together around the house and play together whenever we can. We're so happy and affectionate that even our kids tell us to "get a room." And when they do, we go to our bedroom and lock the door.
Lucy Morgan-Rowe is the main writer of savemy-marriage.com a marriage site that discusses ways on how to Save Marriages that are on the brink of divorce.
How to Save My Marriage From Divorce by Patrick J. Smith
Know body every said that your marriage was going to be peaches and cream forever. If you marriage is falling apart quickly you may be asking "how to save my marriage from divorce." You may feel that you are a day late and a dollar short, especially if you are in the final stages of your divorce proceedings, but its never to late to save your marriage from divorce. No matter how deep over your head you are.
If you are like me going to court sucks, no matter if it is going for a traffic ticket or jury duty. One of the first questions the judge is going to ask you is if both parties agree with the divorce. Many times both parties will agree but if one wants to make things work then statistically speaking, there is a great chance you can save you marriage in the eyes of the judge and you will have the opportunity to try and rekindle the marriage.
But saving your marriage is not going to be that simple, you are going to need to know the right steps to take to get your marriage on the right path. There are several things you can do to help save your marriage. While some may take time and patience the others are pretty head on once the both of you figure out the problem that caused things to go down hill in your marriage. Here are 3 steps how to save your marriage from divorce:
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step One
Communication is the key to success. If you want to save your marriage from divorce it is critical that the two of you are talking to one another. Try and create a relaxed atmosphere where you and your spouse can talk openly without pointing the finger at each other. When you are talking with your spouse let your guard down. Try not to attack one another, give your spouse the same amount of respect that you would want back in return.
It is critical that you respect your spouse's views and ideals. If you feel that your spouse is attacking you, remain calm and do not try to defend yourself. This will only make the situation worse; instead let your spouse express their views without interrupting or passing judgment. If they say something that insults you or hurts your feelings try not to take it to the heart, just suck it up and be a big boy/girl.
You and you spouse will need to put your differences aside and come to a meeting point if you want to rebuild the marriage. Find the problem that brought about the divorce and them work together to fix them. That is key to saving your marriage from divorce.
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step Two
Get some alone time. Sometime to escape away from the stresses of the world, it is essential that you and your spouse get away. Go to the movies, go out to eat, or take a mini vacation. Where the two of you will be away from the kids and the stress of work.
Simply by spending quality time with your spouse can help the both of you put the marriage into perspective and help rekindle any lost romance.
Use this as an opportunity to talk freely to one another without the distractions of family and friends. Dig deep and try to get to the root of the problems in your marriage. Create a relaxed atmosphere where you spouse can talk to you freely. Do not try to drill them in any way.
Remember find the problem then fix it. Taking a romantic vacation is usually enough to rekindle the marriage and spice thing up a bit even if the marriage is on the brick of a divorce.
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step Three
Have sex! We all live busy lifestyles and with work and taking care of the kids many times one spouse is drained and does not want to have sex. A lack of intimacy can destroy a marriage. Were you spunky when you first fell for your wife or husband. Yes, well bring that sexy and romantic side of you back out of the closet.
You should try to sustain and keep your sex life as healthy as possible. Sex is crucial when it comes to saving your marriage from divorce. Sex keeps the two of you connected emotionally, relieves stress, and increases self-esteem and intimacy.
Another thing that you must realize is that it is going to take a tad bit of patience if you are trying to save your marriage alone. Why? Because if you want to save your marriage you are going to have make your spouse want you back. Now this is not going to happen over night and you may take two step backwards before you can take one step forward. So will definitely need to be patient with your spouse and have a plan.
In order "how to Save My Marriage From Divorce" you are going to have to get to the bottom of the problems that are causing friction in your marriage. Without you partners input, what you may think is the problem in the marriage may only be a symptom. That is why you need to get them to want you back, so you can get their personal insight as to what went wrong in the marriage. If you want to turn the tables on your spouse and make them want you back I highly recommend you check out some of the lethal tactics in Save My Marriage Today. Stop the stress and sleepless nights and get your spouse back before it's to late!
If you are like me going to court sucks, no matter if it is going for a traffic ticket or jury duty. One of the first questions the judge is going to ask you is if both parties agree with the divorce. Many times both parties will agree but if one wants to make things work then statistically speaking, there is a great chance you can save you marriage in the eyes of the judge and you will have the opportunity to try and rekindle the marriage.
But saving your marriage is not going to be that simple, you are going to need to know the right steps to take to get your marriage on the right path. There are several things you can do to help save your marriage. While some may take time and patience the others are pretty head on once the both of you figure out the problem that caused things to go down hill in your marriage. Here are 3 steps how to save your marriage from divorce:
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step One
Communication is the key to success. If you want to save your marriage from divorce it is critical that the two of you are talking to one another. Try and create a relaxed atmosphere where you and your spouse can talk openly without pointing the finger at each other. When you are talking with your spouse let your guard down. Try not to attack one another, give your spouse the same amount of respect that you would want back in return.
It is critical that you respect your spouse's views and ideals. If you feel that your spouse is attacking you, remain calm and do not try to defend yourself. This will only make the situation worse; instead let your spouse express their views without interrupting or passing judgment. If they say something that insults you or hurts your feelings try not to take it to the heart, just suck it up and be a big boy/girl.
You and you spouse will need to put your differences aside and come to a meeting point if you want to rebuild the marriage. Find the problem that brought about the divorce and them work together to fix them. That is key to saving your marriage from divorce.
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step Two
Get some alone time. Sometime to escape away from the stresses of the world, it is essential that you and your spouse get away. Go to the movies, go out to eat, or take a mini vacation. Where the two of you will be away from the kids and the stress of work.
Simply by spending quality time with your spouse can help the both of you put the marriage into perspective and help rekindle any lost romance.
Use this as an opportunity to talk freely to one another without the distractions of family and friends. Dig deep and try to get to the root of the problems in your marriage. Create a relaxed atmosphere where you spouse can talk to you freely. Do not try to drill them in any way.
Remember find the problem then fix it. Taking a romantic vacation is usually enough to rekindle the marriage and spice thing up a bit even if the marriage is on the brick of a divorce.
How To Save My Marriage From Divorce Step Three
Have sex! We all live busy lifestyles and with work and taking care of the kids many times one spouse is drained and does not want to have sex. A lack of intimacy can destroy a marriage. Were you spunky when you first fell for your wife or husband. Yes, well bring that sexy and romantic side of you back out of the closet.
You should try to sustain and keep your sex life as healthy as possible. Sex is crucial when it comes to saving your marriage from divorce. Sex keeps the two of you connected emotionally, relieves stress, and increases self-esteem and intimacy.
Another thing that you must realize is that it is going to take a tad bit of patience if you are trying to save your marriage alone. Why? Because if you want to save your marriage you are going to have make your spouse want you back. Now this is not going to happen over night and you may take two step backwards before you can take one step forward. So will definitely need to be patient with your spouse and have a plan.
In order "how to Save My Marriage From Divorce" you are going to have to get to the bottom of the problems that are causing friction in your marriage. Without you partners input, what you may think is the problem in the marriage may only be a symptom. That is why you need to get them to want you back, so you can get their personal insight as to what went wrong in the marriage. If you want to turn the tables on your spouse and make them want you back I highly recommend you check out some of the lethal tactics in Save My Marriage Today. Stop the stress and sleepless nights and get your spouse back before it's to late!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Growing Apart: Keep It From Happening to You
I told you that marriages either grow or weaken. If you put no effort into your marriage, you’re not maintaining it: you’re letting it deteriorate.
Similarly, all the time you’re either growing apart or growing together. If you are not communicating, not touching, and not spending time together, then you are growing apart.
It’s amazing how few people really know their spouse. Do you know who your spouse’s biggest role model is? Do you know the one book or CD your partner would want to have if he or she were stranded on a deserted island? Do you know what his or her favorite color is? Do you know exactly what your spouse does at work?
Getting to know someone truly, inside and out, takes effort. Most of us prefer learning more about our own preferences, opinions, and ideas than those of our spouse. Yet a strong marriage is one where both individuals make an effort to find out what is going on inside their spouse’s head. They appreciate, understand, and respect that information.
Growing together means sharing together. It doesn’t mean thinking alike, or avoiding conflicts, or not having disagreements. It doesn’t mean that neither of you ever changes. Growth, by definition, is change. A healthy marriage is one in which both people mature and change their ideas, perspectives, and plans. The trick is to share those changes openly and honestly with your spouse as they occur.
When you grow together, you share what you’re thinking, feeling, and hoping for. You don’t remain the same person that your spouse met. Instead, you find new hobbies, new passions, and new jobs that keep your life exciting and always surprising. Even when your new direction seems to lead in an opposite direction from your spouse, it is usually just old perceptions that makes it seem that way. Spouses can be resistant to changes in their partner, because they see it as a sign that their partner is dissatisfied with things as they are. Reassure your spouse. Whatever new direction you take, you need to involve your spouse fully and ensure that nothing will cut into your couple time. Changes are frightening, but when there is communication, honesty, and willingness to compromise at every step of the way, change can be an enormously positive thing.
Let’s look at the example of Joan and Michael.
For the first five years of their marriage, Joan stayed at home while Michael worked. She found herself gaining weight, getting bored, and listening enviously to her single girlfriends about their adventurous jobs and
experiences. At first, she blamed it on her marriage. Then, a frank friend reminded her that her marriage vows didn’t include a promise to do the same thing ‘til death do you part. That night, she told Michael that she wanted to go back to work and try a three-month subscription to a gym. He was horrified. He thought it meant that she wasn’t happy with how he provided for the family, and that the only reason she could possibly want to go to the gym was to look good for another man. They had a huge argument, and Michael forbade Joan to go job-hunting. The stress in their marriage was at a breaking point.
It took the intervention of their pastor before Joan and Michael could sit down and discuss their feelings without getting upset. Joan told Michael that she needed to keep growing and trying more out of life, but that she wanted to do it with him, not without him. Michael confessed that he worried that Joan would meet someone new if she started working outside the home. Their pastor encouraged both of them to continue talking openly and honestly and involve each other as their life changed. As a result, Michael decided to join the gym along with Joan. Joan’s new job gave both of them much more to talk about in the evenings, and their communication improved. Too, the extra income gave them more money to go out and do activities that they enjoyed. Ultimately, the change that Michael feared actually strengthened their marriage.
Michael and Joan learned some valuable lessons. (1) When one partner suggests a change, the other partner often feels indirectly criticized, thinking that the other person means that status quo is not be good enough. Reassuring your partner is essential during this tough time. (2) Sometimes it takes professional help (such as a pastor or marriage counselor) to get you talking about how you really feel. (3) Any change that can be undertaken mutually (such as both Michael and Joan joining the gym) is better than a change that can only be undertaken individually
Similarly, all the time you’re either growing apart or growing together. If you are not communicating, not touching, and not spending time together, then you are growing apart.
It’s amazing how few people really know their spouse. Do you know who your spouse’s biggest role model is? Do you know the one book or CD your partner would want to have if he or she were stranded on a deserted island? Do you know what his or her favorite color is? Do you know exactly what your spouse does at work?
Getting to know someone truly, inside and out, takes effort. Most of us prefer learning more about our own preferences, opinions, and ideas than those of our spouse. Yet a strong marriage is one where both individuals make an effort to find out what is going on inside their spouse’s head. They appreciate, understand, and respect that information.
Growing together means sharing together. It doesn’t mean thinking alike, or avoiding conflicts, or not having disagreements. It doesn’t mean that neither of you ever changes. Growth, by definition, is change. A healthy marriage is one in which both people mature and change their ideas, perspectives, and plans. The trick is to share those changes openly and honestly with your spouse as they occur.
When you grow together, you share what you’re thinking, feeling, and hoping for. You don’t remain the same person that your spouse met. Instead, you find new hobbies, new passions, and new jobs that keep your life exciting and always surprising. Even when your new direction seems to lead in an opposite direction from your spouse, it is usually just old perceptions that makes it seem that way. Spouses can be resistant to changes in their partner, because they see it as a sign that their partner is dissatisfied with things as they are. Reassure your spouse. Whatever new direction you take, you need to involve your spouse fully and ensure that nothing will cut into your couple time. Changes are frightening, but when there is communication, honesty, and willingness to compromise at every step of the way, change can be an enormously positive thing.
Let’s look at the example of Joan and Michael.
For the first five years of their marriage, Joan stayed at home while Michael worked. She found herself gaining weight, getting bored, and listening enviously to her single girlfriends about their adventurous jobs and
experiences. At first, she blamed it on her marriage. Then, a frank friend reminded her that her marriage vows didn’t include a promise to do the same thing ‘til death do you part. That night, she told Michael that she wanted to go back to work and try a three-month subscription to a gym. He was horrified. He thought it meant that she wasn’t happy with how he provided for the family, and that the only reason she could possibly want to go to the gym was to look good for another man. They had a huge argument, and Michael forbade Joan to go job-hunting. The stress in their marriage was at a breaking point.
It took the intervention of their pastor before Joan and Michael could sit down and discuss their feelings without getting upset. Joan told Michael that she needed to keep growing and trying more out of life, but that she wanted to do it with him, not without him. Michael confessed that he worried that Joan would meet someone new if she started working outside the home. Their pastor encouraged both of them to continue talking openly and honestly and involve each other as their life changed. As a result, Michael decided to join the gym along with Joan. Joan’s new job gave both of them much more to talk about in the evenings, and their communication improved. Too, the extra income gave them more money to go out and do activities that they enjoyed. Ultimately, the change that Michael feared actually strengthened their marriage.
Michael and Joan learned some valuable lessons. (1) When one partner suggests a change, the other partner often feels indirectly criticized, thinking that the other person means that status quo is not be good enough. Reassuring your partner is essential during this tough time. (2) Sometimes it takes professional help (such as a pastor or marriage counselor) to get you talking about how you really feel. (3) Any change that can be undertaken mutually (such as both Michael and Joan joining the gym) is better than a change that can only be undertaken individually
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
4 Steps to stay married
4 Steps To Stop Your Divorce And Save Your Marriage
The break up of marriage is one of the worst things that can
happen to a person, and it is all too common. More than half of
all marriages today will end in divorce. When you consider that
divorce is commonly regarded as one of the most stressful events
that can happen in a person's life, even beyond the death of a
dead one, and it creates a lot of heartache.
The thing you need to know is that it is not too late to stop
your divorce.
The tragedy is that most of these breakups could have been
prevented. You do not have to be one of those statistics. You
can do something about it; you can stop your divorce. Maybe it
is not going to be easy, but it is possible. You just have to
follow the steps to rebuild what has been broken.
You can't expect to stop your divorce without a plan anymore
than you can expect to build a house without blueprints.
Fortunately, the help is available and it behooves you to take
advantage of it. Your marriage does not have to fail. You can do
something.
Step One: Identify the Problem
You can't stop your divorce if you don't know why your marriage
is falling apart. You need to diagnose what is wrong with the
marriage, even if it means sitting down with your spouse to find
out what the problem in your marriage really is. The reason most
marriage problems don't get solved is that they are never
identified
Step Two: Fix the Problem
Once you have pin-pointed the problem---sole it! In many ways,
this is the most important step. If you can't fix the problem,
then you can't stop your divorce. Most problems can be fixed.
What you need to do know is work with your spouse to make the
compromises that will save your marriage.
Step Three: Remember the Good Times
You're going to need to remind both your spouse and yourself
what brought and kept you together to begin with. No matter how
bad your marriage has gotten, there was a point when things were
good. You should try to relive that and always keep in mind that
it did exist.
Step Four: Start Over
The last step in your quest to stop your divorce is to begin all
over again. You need to look at your marriage as a brand new
marriage. While you should keep the good times in mind, you need
to forget the bad times and learn about your spouse all over
again. Things have changed, and you need to accept that. Make
your marriage work with the person you are married to, not the
person you used to be married to or the person you wish they
were. Accept them as they are, and work together to build a
better, stronger marriage.
If you follow these four steps, you will be able to stop your
divorce. If you need more help, then don't be afraid to look for
it. There are systems out there to help fix what is broken in
your relationship, and you need to be willing to use them.
The break up of marriage is one of the worst things that can
happen to a person, and it is all too common. More than half of
all marriages today will end in divorce. When you consider that
divorce is commonly regarded as one of the most stressful events
that can happen in a person's life, even beyond the death of a
dead one, and it creates a lot of heartache.
The thing you need to know is that it is not too late to stop
your divorce.
The tragedy is that most of these breakups could have been
prevented. You do not have to be one of those statistics. You
can do something about it; you can stop your divorce. Maybe it
is not going to be easy, but it is possible. You just have to
follow the steps to rebuild what has been broken.
You can't expect to stop your divorce without a plan anymore
than you can expect to build a house without blueprints.
Fortunately, the help is available and it behooves you to take
advantage of it. Your marriage does not have to fail. You can do
something.
Step One: Identify the Problem
You can't stop your divorce if you don't know why your marriage
is falling apart. You need to diagnose what is wrong with the
marriage, even if it means sitting down with your spouse to find
out what the problem in your marriage really is. The reason most
marriage problems don't get solved is that they are never
identified
Step Two: Fix the Problem
Once you have pin-pointed the problem---sole it! In many ways,
this is the most important step. If you can't fix the problem,
then you can't stop your divorce. Most problems can be fixed.
What you need to do know is work with your spouse to make the
compromises that will save your marriage.
Step Three: Remember the Good Times
You're going to need to remind both your spouse and yourself
what brought and kept you together to begin with. No matter how
bad your marriage has gotten, there was a point when things were
good. You should try to relive that and always keep in mind that
it did exist.
Step Four: Start Over
The last step in your quest to stop your divorce is to begin all
over again. You need to look at your marriage as a brand new
marriage. While you should keep the good times in mind, you need
to forget the bad times and learn about your spouse all over
again. Things have changed, and you need to accept that. Make
your marriage work with the person you are married to, not the
person you used to be married to or the person you wish they
were. Accept them as they are, and work together to build a
better, stronger marriage.
If you follow these four steps, you will be able to stop your
divorce. If you need more help, then don't be afraid to look for
it. There are systems out there to help fix what is broken in
your relationship, and you need to be willing to use them.
What You Should Do if You Suspect an Affair
"When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. This may seem like the most logical thing to do, but you have to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and strategically. If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get?
If you don't have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can't prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial. From a strategic point of view, you will have jeopardized your chances of catching your partner in the act because you will have alerted them to your suspicion. In future they will be more careful
to hide their tracks, making it harder for you to find proof. If you claim ignorance, and don't confront your partner, they will have no reason to think you suspect anything. In fact, they may become reckless and become complacent when it comes to hiding evidence of their affair.
From a strategic point of view, acting as though you are ignorant is the best tactic to use. If people don't think you are listening, it is surprising what they may say. They may unconsciously let little things slip....
The longer you are able to maintain the illusion of ignorance the more proof you will be able to gather. Remember, without concrete proof, you should never accuse your partner. Not only is there the likelihood they will deny it and make it harder for you to prove their guilt, but there is also the possibility, however unlikely, of you being wrong."
Sarah Paul, How to Catch a Cheating Spouse
Extramarital affairs:prevention
The roots of affairs are difficult to pin down and are usually many, not one. Even if you are in a happy, stable marriage, you or your partner could find yourself tempted to have an affair simply for the excitement, novelty, and break from routine.
A variety of motives, both internal and social, spur people to have affairs. The most fertile ground for affairs occurs when there is a potential lover who is available and willing, when conditions make the practical side of giving into the temptation easy, and there is little to no expectation of a powerful social or moral condemnation for having the affair.
Here are some of the most common social and marital conditions that pave the way for affairs.
- Increased social contact with members of the opposite sex, especially in the workplace.
Temptation is everywhere, but as men and women spend more time with each other away from their partners, giving into that temptation becomes easier and easier. When a man or a woman spends a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex--whether friend, co-worker, or teammate--they develop a platonic friendship that can become much, much more. Familiarity, emotional intimacy, and common professional or sporting goals create a powerful bond that may feel more compelling than the marital relationship. Computers and cell
phones make keeping in touch with a lover simple.
Can men and women ever "just be friends"? In 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry's answer was emphatically no. Harry tells Sally, "...Men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets
in the way.... No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
If your spouse is defensive or secretive about his or her friendship with a member of the opposite sex, you need to have an open and honest talk about the limits on your relationships with members of the opposite sex. It's not okay for your husband's best friend to be another woman. It's not okay for your wife's number
one confidant to be another man. In a strong marriage, both partners look first to one another to get their emotional needs met. This brings us to the next point...
- Not meeting one another's emotional needs.
This is this single greatest cause of affairs. When relationships are struggling, both men and women look elsewhere to get their emotional needs met and easily find themselves in the arms of someone "who appreciates them."
If you and your partner take each other for granted and treat one another like housemates instead of lovers, the stage is set for one of you to have an affair. Women, feeling unappreciated by their husbands, find solace with someone who does listen to them. Unfortunately, an emotional affair can be just as devastating to a
marriage as a physical affair. Men, feeling as if they're always being criticized and cannot please their wives if they try, enjoy the emotional reinforcement of someone who thinks that they're wonderful and can do no wrong.
Affairs often occur when one or both partners are under stress. Maybe you've just taken a new job; maybe your partner is struggling with the demands of a new child or ailing parent. If one of you cannot meet your partner's emotional needs for any length of time, your partner's chances of having an affair skyrocket.
Avoid this situation through open, honest communication. Notice when your partner is feeling down and don't rest until you've understood the source of your partner's emotions. If you feel that your partner isn't there for you when you need him or her, talk about it. Open the conversation with a description of the things that your partner does for you that you appreciate, then explain what your emotional needs are and exactly what your partner can do to meet them. Next, turn the tables and ask your partner to share the same with you. Unless you know what your partner's emotional needs are, you cannot hope to fulfill them by guesswork.
- Commuter jobs, or where one partner is away for long periods of time.
We all know the stories of musicians, actors, or athletes who spend long months on tour and return home to a wrecked marriage. Cheating is easy when partners spend long periods of time away from one another. Even if your partner calls you every night, you have no idea what they're doing in the time away from you. It is easy
for your partner to disassociate what they do in their time on their own from what they do with you. They may feel as if they live in two separate worlds that need never meet.
If you and your spouse spend long periods of time away from one another, you need to develop a plan of action to maintain your bond and sense of intimacy even during those times when you're away.
Increase your accountability to one another. Your partner should have a cell phone that you can call anytime, and you should always know where your partner is staying. The best solution in cases like these is to minimize the amount of time you're away from one another, even if it requires changing jobs or relocating.
- Overly scheduled lives with little leisure time spent together.
When partners don't have time to relax together, their marriage becomes all work and no play. If both of you have overly scheduled lives, crammed to the full with taking your kids to school and after-school activities, meetings, overtime, fixing up your house, and social engagements on the weekends, your marriage will
suffocate from lack of attention. Just because you live together and wear a ring doesn't mean that your marriage is invulnerable. A marriage thrives when there is space for both partners to spend quality, unstructured time together, doing nothing but enjoying one another's company.
If your partner always spends his or her leisure time with others (at the bar, with a hobby that excludes you, with members of a social or sporting club) rather than you, the stage is set for infidelity. Your partner should have the time and space to do activities that he or she personally enjoys, but at least half (preferably more) of your partner's leisure time should be spent with you.
- Increased public acceptance of affairs.
Public acceptance of affairs has transformed dramatically over the past few decades. There continues to be strong social and moral condemnation of infidelity, but the consequences of having an affair are not as great as in the past. Nowadays, an affair isn't shadowed by the threat of pregnancy, the brand of social stigma, or
losing one's job as a result. Cheating spouses are comforted by the ease of divorce that would allow them to leave their spouse for their lover. As culture removes more and more of the consequences of infidelity, more spouses will cheat. It's as simple as that.
- Increased importance placed culturally on having a great body and superb sex life.
Men and women both have high expectations of marriage--that their partner will be their soul mate, that love will be effortless, that their sex life will be dynamic and exciting. When these expectations are not fulfilled, men and women often look to someone else for fulfillment rather than examining their own expectations.
More and more women are having Desperate Housewives-style affairs with hunky young men, risking marriages with men who socially would be considered real catches: impressive jobs, wealthy, mature and
responsible. Why would these women risk the security and comfort of their marriages for 20-somethings with great bodies but not much else?
Modern Western culture places a high premium on an exciting, fulfilling sex life. When everyone else is doing it--in the movies, on the billboards, and in the media--we think we need to be doing it, too. Yet a poll by Self magazine discovered that 58% of women polled were disinterested in sex, of which nearly a fifth were
completely dissatisfied, preferring to watch television. Why were these women unhappy with their sex lives? Was it their partner, their attitude, or their expectations?
Although research proves that married men and women have better (e.g., more fulfilling and more frequent) sex lives than singles or couples living together, popular opinion believes the opposite. Many people believe that once you marry, sex becomes dull and boring. What better to liven it up than the allure of an illicit rendezvous?
In fact, sex can actually improve in a marriage as a result of affair. The cheating partner feels guilty and doesn't want the spouse to suspect anything, so he or she puts more effort into their sex life. Cheating can also increase a cheating spouse's sex drive, because when you're having more sex, you want more sex.
Unfortunately, many couples don't put the effort into their sex life until it's too late. If you and your partner are distant, kiss infrequently, and seem to have lost any sense of intimacy, one of you may seek physical comfort elsewhere. Decrease the chances of this happening by making an effort to be physically intimate with your spouse on a regular basis. Kiss and cuddle often. Touch one another randomly, whether by touching your partner's waist or arm. Invest in your appearance and don't use your marriage as an excuse to let yourself go. Keep yourself fit. Avoid wearing worn-out, ill-fitting, or unattractive clothing around the house--and especially to bed. Liven up your sex life by regularly trying new things; if you can't think of any, purchase an eroticbook or visit an adult shop. The investment you put into physical intimacy will pay off by making the hours you do spend together--sleeping side by side--into ones to cherish.
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